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Archive for the ‘Smiling Moments’ Category

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
 
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
 
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

‘If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
 
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
 
And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’
 
AND……
 
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
 
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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 My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

———— ——— ——— —

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Well at least your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

———— ——— ——— ——

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

———— ——— ——— ——— —–

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started…..

———— ——— ——— ——— ——

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…..

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started …

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started

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Each Sign has its own unique approach to life. Just for fun, let's get a feel
for their different psychological flavours by making up a typical "Bedtime
Prayer" for each sign. If you know your ascendant, read that one too!

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19): "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!

TAURUS (Apr 20- May 20): "God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT
YET."

GEMINI (May 21- Jun 20): "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)... Who are you?.... What
are you?..... Where are You?..... How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you
out!"

CANCER (Jun 21- Jul 22): "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much,
but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the
cleaners."

LEO (Jul 23- Aug 22): "Hi Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your
kid!"

VIRGO (Aug 23- Sep 22): "Dear God,please make the world a better place, and
don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA (Sep 23- Oct 22): "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself.
But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO (Oct 23- Nov 21): "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the
creeps don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22- Dec 21): !"OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-
POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A
THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING"

CAPRICORN (Dec 22- Jan 19): "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I
ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS (Jan 20- Feb 18): "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a
woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES (Feb 19- Mar 20): Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last
fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy
greater Honour and Glory."

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